Real-Life Couples Weigh In on the Complicated Matter of Gifting

29 May 2024

The last time I attended a destination wedding, I sent the bride and groom £50 with a note that read, “Happy wedding!!!” I later questioned whether I seemed cheap or, worse, like a bad friend. However, the couple maintained that their friends didn’t need to spend extra on them. Their registry was merely a suggestion pushed by their parents, and they felt our presence was the gift, as we danced the night away to Beyoncé.

Some couples feel differently about gifts, viewing them as a vital aspect of wedding traditions. Moreover, there are individuals who may even assess their friendships based on the gifts they receive. While this might reflect poorly on them, it does highlight the diverse opinions surrounding gift-giving. Conversely, sending a gift from a registry can undoubtedly signify love and appreciation, particularly when a guest cannot be present.

Understanding the Role of Gifts in Weddings

Traditionally, wedding guests would send newlyweds off with household items via a gift registry. However, in modern times, this necessity has diminished. “As many couples have already established a home prior to marriage, the need to register for every appliance has disappeared,” explains Lindsey Shaktman, a destination event planner.

Gift-giving remains a cherished way for guests to participate in a significant occasion and express their care for the couple. According to wedding planner Cristina Verger, seeing a gift years later can evoke warm memories of the friend who presented it. This underscores the point that for some people, gift-giving is a fundamental aspect of their love language.

Setting Personal Guidelines for Gift-Giving

When attending a destination wedding, honesty about one’s ability to give gifts is crucial. For instance, Jenna Amatulli, an editor at The Guardian US, attended a wedding with a “light registry.” The couple emphasized experiential gifts, yet she still chose to give a formal wedding gift, wanting to present something substantial to her good friends.

Amatulli suggests that guests establish personal rules regarding their gift-giving based on their relationship to the couple, travel costs, and other spendings. This self-awareness ensures a comfortable and meaningful gifting experience.

Encouraging Flexibility in Gift Amounts

Couples should avoid setting strict price limits for gifts at their destination weddings. Such limits can lead to misunderstandings about guests’ financial situations. “Moreover, how can you really establish what a ‘reasonable gift amount’ is?” Verger questions. Allowing guests to decide their contributions considers the expenses they’ve incurred to celebrate with the couple.

A practical alternative is creating cash funds for specific gifts, allowing guests to donate an amount they are comfortable with. Shaktman emphasizes this approach, saying that it allows couples to receive tangible gifts without directly asking guests for monetary contributions.

Establishing a No-Gifts Policy for Clarity

Couples might consider adopting a no-gifts policy to ease any uncertainties among their guests. Kate Rosow Chrisman, an American screenwriter, expressed a desire for an explicit no-gifts guideline during her wedding planning. This would assure guests that their presence was sufficient.

Guests often feel relieved when provided with clear gifting instructions. Amatulli recalls one couple who declared that their presence was the only gift they desired. Such clarity alleviates any pressure guests might feel to contribute financially.

The True Gift: Presence and Celebrating Together

Ultimately, the true gift in attending a wedding—whether on a beach in Costa Rica or in a castle in Scotland—lies in the shared experience. Etiquette expert Elaine Swann points out that guests invest in travel, accommodations, and attire to celebrate this significant milestone.

For Rivas, the sense of community shared with loved ones during her wedding was the real gift. As she puts it, “As cheesy as it might sound, our family being there truly was the gift.” Rosow Chrisman echoes this sentiment, noting that ten years post-wedding, she recalls the joy and laughter shared rather than the gifts received.